Saturday, February 12, 2005

A Female's Guide To Translating Photos on Any Dating Service Website

1) Photo of you with no shirt on, flexing your muscles

Translation: Will cheat on me with some whore from Gold’s Gym.

2) Photo of you in military uniform with references to you having been a civilian for 4 years now.

Translation: Has gained 50 lbs since this photo.

3) Photo of you in any type of uniform, especially your National Guard, part-time volunteer EMT, volunteer firefighter, security guard, or StarTrek uniform

Translation: Has a deep need for affiliation, is insecure, and has a small penis.

4) Photo of you leaning on a car

Translation: Is insecure, has a small penis, lives at home with mommy and has seen one too many Knightrider episodes.

5) Photo of you in over-the-top sports apparel (more than one item, painted face, etc.)

Translation: I will be a Sunday/Monday-night widow, and be competing with [insert team] for attention, AND has a deep need for affiliation AND is insecure, AND has a small penis.

6) Photo of you sitting at your computer

Translation: I will be competing with your Evercrack guild for attention, especially that skank Mistress Ravenclaw the blue elf, and have to hear things like ‘I can’t shut down now because there’s a raid tonight and if I leave everyone will die because I’m like only one of 3 healers in my guild.’

7) Photo of you sitting at your computer in your bedroom

Translation: Lives with Mommy

8) Photo of you in your bedroom in general

Translation: Lives with Mommy

9) Photo(s) of you past age 21 where beer has a predominant role

Translation: Alcoholic

10) Photo of you in poor lighting

Translation: He doesn’t want a date. He wants my kidney.

11) Photo of a wide landscape with you somewhere in it

Translation: Oh, that third dot to the left? Hot. Let me email him immediately.

12) Photo of you with a bunch of other friends

Translation: I’m going to have to hang around with these bozos?

13) Photo of you with someone else cut out of it

Translation: Very tacky. Who is the blonde anyway? But from the small patch of forehead that I can see, she looks like a skank with premature wrinkles.

14) Photo of you with a female not cut out of it

Translation: Even more tacky. Who is that blonde anyway? Probably that whore from Gold’s Gym with the premature wrinkles.

15) No photo

Translation: The three M’s: Married, Mongoloid, or Moron

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