My Dirty Secret

so i have a secret i've been keeping from everyone for a WHOLE TWO WEEKS! i wasn't sure if i wanted to reveal this secret or not. not that i'm embarassed or anything, it's just that, well, all of the moral obligations as a woman that goes into my decision to join and all that fun stuff was something that made me want to keep it to myself.

ok, here it is.

i joined curves.

now, i know that they are an anti-choice organization and i really, really, REALLY hate that (and any other group that supports Operation Save America). but the way i see it is that for every $1 a month they give to pro-life groups, i will give $2 to planned parenthood. although, even though the crazy nutjob who founded curves may give money to anti-choice groups, that doesn't mean that the woman who owns the franchise where i go does (i've met her and she's a little older than me; she could be pro-life but somehow i doubt it). and that's pretty comforting to me. but i will still contribute to planned parenthood because women today, more than ever, need to keep their body to themselves.

ok, off the soap box and on to the story.

the past 5 times i've been there i've been either alone in the gym or with one other woman. now, i'm a big girl and the other women who have been there while i was there are smaller than me. that's not a problem as i don't feel self conscious or anything like that. today though, a woman i've never seen before came in, got changed and started her "workout".

a little background on curves: there are 12 machines and 13 mats. you work out on a machine for 30 seconds and then jog in place for 30 seconds. your ideal workout is to do two rounds plus two machines. that usually equals 30 minutes of workout time (not including your warm up and cool down).

the new woman who came in today is my arch nemesis. i don't know her name and i don't want to. she's got curly blonde hair; i've got long, straight black hair. she was head-to-toe in white; i was head-to-toe in black. she likes to talk, i like to concentrate on the task at hand. i mean, that's good versus evil right there!

if she were a south park character, she'd look like this:




and this is me, as a south park character:




so this woman is yapping away. i'm all for small talk if you can handle it in between the stairmaster and the ab worker thingie. if you've got your heartrate up to where it should be, you should be able to converse in short bouts and that's it. at least that's my motto.

so my arch nemesis is talking about how she hasn't been to curves in about a week and a half and she feels SO FAT (she's larger than me) and then she went on and on about her fourth of july and how she went to NY to visit her family and blah, blah, blah. the thing is, she wasn't talking to me at all. she was talking at me and the other woman who was there. there's nothing i hate more than someone who talks at me. these are the people that just love to hear their own voice.

like i said, i don't mind people chatting. sometimes the time goes by faster when there's a discussion going on. provided that the women who are talking are actually working out and moving in the circle, keeping the flow going.

my arch nemesis was using only one machine the whole time. the leg press. and she barely used it! she'd lift her leg maybe three times during the 30 seconds and then REST for 30 seconds! the trick is to keep moving so your body burns fat. so all this time, she's basically just HANGING OUT on the one machine, yapping about absolutely nothing. when she finally moves to the arm press she says "i'm only going around this thing once tonight. it's all i've got time for."

by this time, i'm on my almost-fourth time around. she was sitting on the arm press when it was my turn to use it. she didn't even move! i had to say "um, excuse me," before she got the hint. i mean, can you believe this chick? who has the $40 a month to waste just hanging out a a gym where you just socialize and not work out? not me, that's for sure.

so when i did 4.5 rounds i decided to end it. i couldn't stand her yapping about absolutely nothing at all. her voice is so grating and it was pissing me off that she wasn't doing anything. i mean, she didn't even jog in place!

i know that sounds catty and all, but i'm there to work out, build muscle, and lose the gut. i'm not there to socialize or make friends. with my luck, my arch nemesis will be there EVERY TIME i go from now on. that will totally suck BIG TIME.

but trust me, if she gets on my nerves again, i'll tell her to shut the fuck up or i'll bench press her into next month.