Wednesday, September 28, 2005


Open Letter to the Asshole Who Stole My Bike Seat:

Dear Asshole,

Thank you so much for stealing my bike seat today while I was at work. Not only did you steal my bike seat, you had the nerve to stick your old, shitty one where MINE belongs. Did you just think I wouldn't notice that the ugly, beat up, plastic bike seat wasn't mine? Did you think I wouldn't mind that you stole mine since you left one in it's place? Well, I did, asshole, and I'm fucking pissed.

I hope you get ass cancer so you can't ride a bike ever again. I'm not talking colon or rectum cancer, because I'm not THAT mean. I just want you to develop some sort of cancer or flesh eating bacteria that eats your asscheeks down to the bone so you can't sit on my ultra comfortable bike seat any more. And don't think I won't be looking out for you. I know what my bike seat looks like! I know that it's got a white paint smudge on it from when my fiance was painting last week. I know that the light on the back is crooked from when I fell off it a few months ago. And I know that your hands are probably stained with black grease and the guilt of STEALING A STRANGER'S BIKE SEAT!

In closing, I hope you fall off your bike while sitting on my bike seat. And then I hope your ass falls off. And I'm positive you have a fat ass because, seriously, that's one big, cushy bike seat made for big, cushy asses like mine.

I'll be looking for you, your fat ass, and my bike seat. And if I find you, so help me....


The girl who can't ride her bike to work now because of you. I hope you're happy.

psthis is my bike. and my bike seat. grrrrrrrrrrrrr!


Will said...

what kind of assfaced douchebag would steal a bike seat?

Honey Bunny said...

the same assface douchebag that may or may not have a fat ass with hemorrhoids. or an assface douchebag who is going to sell it to someone with a fat ass for crack money.

goddamn it! now i have to shell out money for a new cushy bike seat. and in the mean time, i have to take the bus. bleah.