Sunday, May 14, 2006

This Weather is Bringing Me Down

The lack of sun over the past week has really gotten me down. It's not like I spend so much time in it or anything, but the fact that my house has no sunlight coming through the windows is pretty depressing. I'd like the sun to come out and stay out for a while!

There are a bunch of things that I've been worried about/sad about. The biggest thing is the health of my grandfather. I called him about an hour ago to wish him a Happy Birthday (and to wish my Grannie a Happy Mother's Day) and he was slurring a bit and I had a hard time understanding him. He said that his legs have been giving him trouble and that he went to physical therapy yesterday in order to get some relief. No one knows what the deal is or what's causing his pain, but he's not able to walk very much. And why is he slurry? Is it the pain meds or something more? Just the sound of his voice made me unbearably sad. And the fact that he asked me if I was still liking my job and I said "yes" made me want to cry. I can't tell him I quit. He wouldn't understand the reasons why, since he's from the old school where you stick with your job no matter what. I hated lying. But when I spoke with my Grannie, I told her that I wasn't happy there and was looking for something new. I just don't like leaving them out of the loop. And I miss them a lot. I hope they can come out and visit, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen. And that makes me sad, too.

I've also been beating myself up over the fact that I feel like I make horrible choices when it comes to jobs. I mean, I was really lucky to have landed the job at the Smithsonian and stayed with it for three years, but there were many times where I wanted to leave and never go back. But now I've accepted a job that I know I'll have to quit once I find a "real" job. I have a lot of bills to pay and student loans that are sneaking up on me, and this job won't take care of it. So did I make the right decision or not? I don't know. Part of me doesn't think so, while the other thinks it's smart because I'll have time to look "for something better." But then I'll feel bad when I have to tell them I can't work there anymore because I found a job elsewhere. Ugh!

Other things that are getting me down (in no particular order):

  • Allergies. Enough already! I'm so sick of it.
  • Not being able to sleep through the night
  • I feel like I can't excape all the cat hair piling up, even though I vaccum at least 3 times a week
  • I have a million and one ideas for projects, but no motivation to do them. That really bugs me.
  • Wondering if my idea for a business is a smart idea, or a pipe-dream.
  • Having no friends to hang out with yet. We've been here 3 months and haven't met many people at all.
  • I didn't send anything to my Grannie for Mother's Day or my Grandpa for his birthday. I feel like an asshole. I'm 30, not'd think I'd be smarter than that.
  • I don't know if my other Grandmother is even alive. I used to write her a letter every month, but then when she moved to FL to live with her son (my father's brother), I never heard from her again. It makes me sad.
  • I feel like I let my Mom-In-Law down today because I am not feeling well. She asked me if I wanted to see Don's band play in NE Mpls. I would have went but I didn't sleep at all last night AND I have had a splitting headache since 9 this morning.
  • I never feel comfortable with myself.
  • Katie Holmes has ruined her life by hooking up with Tom Cruise. He's a nutjob.

Ugh, this reads like a big pity list. I don't want pity. I just had to write about it to get it out. My head is fuzzy and my heart is heavy. I just want the sun to come back out so I can see how green the grass is and how blue the sky is. That's all.


Jessi said...

At least you still have your sense of humor! The Katie Holmes comment made me laugh out loud in the library. I miss the carefree days of Dawson's Creek. Pretty soon the skies will part. But then it will be hot and muggy. Hope you feel better soon!

Karyn said...

Everytime I see Katie Holmes now she looks like a deer in the headlights - eyes all scared and trapped looking. I find it quite upsetting really. He is a class A nutjob.

The whole job thing is such a bust sometimes isn't it? Take what is offered, but if something better comes along, then take that - don't feel obligated to stick with your first have to do what's right for you.

I'm seding you an email.