Thursday, January 19, 2006

Wow, She's Deep

i'm going to be serious here for a second or two. there's something i need to write about that's been on my mind for the past few days. this is more of an introspection than anything else, i guess.

most of my writing on this blog is fluffy and funny and sarcastic and heavy with the bitterness that i've acquired while living in boston for all these years. i don't like that about myself. i don't like the tough exterior that i've built around me or the cynicism in which i see the world. i use sarcasm as a defense because there are so many rude and obnoxious people everywhere i turn. and i'm afraid i've turned into one of those people. and this makes me sad.

as we're on the brink of our new life in a new city, things within me need to change. i don't want to be the smart-ass cynic that i've been while living in boston. damn, when i was a new yorker i wasn't even this bad! i need to soften the layers of my self and not be so quick to judge new people and new situations. here, i'm usually turned off to new things because there's always a catch or a price that comes with it. i'm tired of caring about what other people think of me. well, i mean i'll still care, but not to the extent that it stops me from doing new things with my life. i'm so sick of it, to be honest.

so i guess what i'm saying is that i'm tired of playing this other person. the person who snaps back at people, who gets angry a lot, who doesn't want to try new things because she's afraid of not looking 'cool'. i'm SO TIRED of it. the real me, (who only a handful of people know) is the opposite. and i'm hoping that our move to minneapolis will cure what boston has imposed upon me. i want to meet lots of funny, cool, interesting, super creative people. i want to go sledding down a big hill with my husband, laughing all the way. i want to hang out in different bars with different themes wearing different outfits on different days of the week. i want to rock out to local bands and not have to worry about going to arena rock shows just because that's what the cool kids do. i want to see more indie films and theater acts. i want to write more. i want to enjoy the outdoors; throw snowballs at friends in the winter and go swimming in the summer. i want to dance around my apartment and not worry about if anyone is laughing at me. i just want to live a good, fun life without worrying about if strangers think i'm weird.

i don't even know if this makes any sense, but i've never been more excited for anything (ok, besides our wedding) in my life. we'll be leaving for minneapolis in FIVE SHORT DAYS and it's all i can think about. i have three days left at my job and i can't concentrate because mentally i'm already in my apartment in Uptown, unpacking and decorating and getting to know my neighbors. if you were to ask me who my neighbors are here in boston, i couldn't tell you. and that's sad. i'm looking forward to starting a new life with my husband and making lots of new friends. friends who will like me for who i am. but first, i need to get rid of the tough shell i've been carrying for all these years.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

The fact that you recognize this about yourself is awesome. Because you know this and are willing to change, things will be different and better for you.

I really admire your & your husband's brave move, because moving halfway across the country is not easy. You'll no longer be an East Coaster!

Best of luck and I'm looking forward to reading about your Minnesota adventures.

Julie Du. said...

Hey!! Libras unite! We're gonna be neighbors!!

Sounds like you're heading to the right town -- and the right part of town, to boot. I'm not sure we have fewer rude people here, but we do have a nice assortment of $2 happy hour specials.

Happy trails to you.

Chuck Olsen said...

almost here already? exciting!
we'll have to have some sort of happy hour warm fuzzy thingie. hope we live up to expectations. :-)

Honey Bunny said...

yay! chuck, that sounds like a lot of fun! thanks!

klooney said...

"i need to soften the layers of my self and not be so quick to judge new people and new situations."

uh-huh.

"i want to hang out in different bars with different themes..."

if you're ever in downtown minneapolis, you really should stop and check out BRITS.

Honey Bunny said...

klooney, you're not welcomed here. i suggest you refrain from posting here because your comments will be deleted.

why? because you're a loser trollboy. stick with livejournal, ok? that's where the losers, trolls, and degenerates hang out.

besides, i can see right through you. you're neither kind nor generous.

loser.