My Beef with Lifetime: Television for Women

I was recently reading a message board where people were discussing the new Lifetime Original Movie called To Be Fat Like Me. I won't go into how much I think the whole skinny-chicks-in-fat-suits trend is fucking ridiclulous (sorry, but putting on a fat suit for three hours DOES NOT enable you to empathize with real fat people in the world), but I will go into how much I loathe the Lifetime channel.

Someone posted that they think that Lifetime has some "fantastic television". Oh really? Sure, that's subjective, but here is a short list of some of the Lifetime Original Movies that have aired in the recent past (and I'm taking these directly from the Lifetime website):

A FACE TO DIE FOR- A young woman with a disfigured face is sent to prison for a crime she did not commit. The woman later seeks revenge against the real murderer, but not before she undergoes plastic surgery and changes her identity completely.

A FACE TO KILL FOR- A young woman with a disfigured face is sent to prison for a crime she did not commit. She seeks revenge on the real criminal, a handsome young man, after undergoing plastic surgery and changing her identity completely.

A FRIENDSHIP TO DIE FOR- Rachel and Carla are planning to use sex, blackmail and murder to get what they want: money. Will the devious duo get away with their scheming or will Carla's boyfriend figure out that he's been tricked into helping them? You won't want to miss a second of this suspenseful flick in which the tables are constantly turning!

A JOB TO KILL FOR- Bari Guniston seems to have it all as a senior creative executive at a top advertising agency. But when she enlists beautiful Sara Sherman to help save a major account, this executive gets far more help than she bargained for. Dangerously imbalanced, Sara will stop at nothing — from seduction to murder — to bring success their way. Catch this nonstop thriller where the hunter becomes the hunted in an unexpected twist!

A KISS TO DIE FOR- William is having a hard time after the death of his wife, but then he falls for the beautiful Ali. She seems oddly secretive about her past. He discovers the police are investigating Ali in connection with a series of murders, and he becomes determined to find out her secret so that he can clear her name.

Do we see a pattern here...?

And what about their television programming? I would hardly call it "fabulous". Hell, I can't even call it "entertaining"! Here's a list of shows that are on regular roation on the Lifetime network here in Mpls:

Angela's Eyes (About a female FBI agent who can tell if you're lying by just lookin' at ya!)

Cheerleader Nation (A real life mother daughter drama of blood, sweat, and (wait for it...) cheers. Why do I think there are a lot of guys who tune into this show?)

Denise Austin (All weight loss, all the time, because you know, that's all women really think about all day long)

Desperate Housewives (Needs no explaination)

Frasier (Yes, this was a good show...ten years ago)

Gay, Straight or Taken (Holy Shit! Are we REALLY so desperate to find a man that we must resort to this game show/reality show tactic???)

Golden Palace (I admit, I've never seen this spin-off of The Golden Girls, which I did enjoy back in the day)

How Clean Is Your House? (What business is it of yours, and why does that equate my self worth?)

"I Do" Diaries (Because, again, all women care about is landing a man and getting hitched, right?)

Intimate Portrait (Find out more about the women you love and admire! Like Star Jones! Judge Judy! Mia Farrow! And Ricki Lake!)

Lisa Williams (She's a British clairvoyant who shares her unusual talent: that she's a hack)

Lovespring International (Looks like a seriously UNFUNNY comedy about a dating service because all women are searching for a man, dontchaknow?!)

Medium (Another ridiculous woman who can read minds/see the future/solves the murder before anyone else)

MISSING (Vivica Fox stars as an FBI agent who finds missing people - I saw this already, when it was called "Medium")

Off the Leash (Ridiculous show about doggies and how ka-yoot! they are)

Reba (So not entertaining it makes me want to dig my eyeballs out)

Still Standing (Ooh! another comedy about a fat man who has a skinny hot wife and we're supposed to believe that would ever happen in real life. Sorry, but until a skinny dude has a fat wife on mainstream television, I'll choose NOT to suspend disbelief for 30 minutes, thankyouverymuch)

Strong Medicine (Uh, it's got Ricky Schroder in it and he's a doctor. All I see is another Doogie Howser)

The Division (This was also a good show the first time around, when it was called Cagney and Lacey!)

The Nanny -(gag)

Unsolved Mysteries (Ok, this show kicks ass and gave me major nightmares when i was a kid. I still love it)

Will & Grace (The only good thing about that show was Megan Mullally, but not good enough to watch it again in syndication)

So, yeah. I hate this channel and everything that comes out of it. I'm going to be seriously un-PC and not very Feminist friendly when I say that Lifetime: Television For Women can go suck a fat one.