Thursday, November 08, 2007

Random Letters To People, Places, and Things Vol 1

Dear Old Livejournal,

Please stop haunting me. You are dead. I don't know you anymore. I used to love you, but I've moved on. Please, just leave me be.

Your old friend,

Dear Gorgonzola,
I love you.
ps) my arteries say "hi!"


Dear Flu Shot,

I have a feeling you're going to fuck me over in a big way. You say you won't make me ill, but I know you will. You have in the past. That's why I've been avoiding you for 5 years. I was roped into having a relationship with you this year and I'm pretty pissed about it. It was against my good judgement, for sure. The truth is, I really don't want you in my life at all.

I'm betting you make me miserable in 72 hours. You always do.

Hating you,


Dear Landlord,

Just because two of the 5 radiators in our apartment work DOES NOT MEAN that we have adequate heat. Get your ass over here and fix the fuckers or I'm calling the Board of Health. If you hadn't noticed, WE LIVE IN MINNESOTA! You know, the place that saw it's first flurries of snow this week? Does it have to get to 32 degrees inside my house for you to take things seriously?

Get your ass here, pronto.



Dear Lola,
I love you. You make me so happy. I don't even get upset when you choose spending time in a box over time with me.

I Don't Know Why Lola Loves Boxes So Much

Stay gold.
Your Mama


Dear New Job,

I really like you. I mean, REALLY like you. It would make me so happy if you would like me back. I mean, REALLY like me back. I'd like for you to like me so much that the though of me leaving you in January has you panicked. I don't want to leave you! So make things happen, ok?

Your new workin' pal,


Dear Survivor,

Please go away. You were pretty cool to hang out with a few years ago, but now? I'm bored with you. It's the same thing every year, only new people. And the people aren't even interesting. I don't like anything about you, so please don't show up at my door on Thursdays at 7pm. Because I'm not going to let you in.

Unless you're willing to bring back Rupert. Then we can talk.


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