Wednesday, May 18, 2005

I Hate Star Wars

have i mentioned how much i hate star wars?

i hate star wars with the intensity of a thousand burning suns.

i'd like to go as far as saying that i also hate star wars fans, but i can't. i have some friends who like star wars and they are cool. i guess i just hate those fans who are so obsessed that their lives revolve around these movies.

let me tell you a little story.

i was engaged once before. i'd like to think it was many moons ago, but sadly, it was only about three years ago. the man i was engaged to was an overly obsessed, tragically compulsive star wars fan. there's a difference between loving a movie, and L O V I N G a movie. hell, i love The Nightmare Before Christmas (actually ALL of Tim Burton's stuff), but you don't see me collecting everything and anything that has to do with Burton's films. my ex was different. for the three years i was with him, every day was a hunt for star wars collectables. he watched one of the movies at least once a week. he was a member of many online forums that took up most of his time. if he wasn't chatting online with other SW dorks, he was reading articles about SW or writing fan fiction crap about SW. Star Wars came before me all the time. i'm not joking. when you ask him, "who do you love more? your girlfriend or star wars?" the answer was always "why are you making me choose?".

do any of you know what that's like? to have a MOVIE with FICTIONAL CHARACTERS mean more to the man than the woman he's supposed to spend the rest of his life with?!?

so here i was, stuck in a horrific relationship with an obsessive-compulsive, overly dramatic, throw-a-temper-tantrum star wars fan. i don't think you understand how obsessed he was. let me point out some things he did:

  • he would buy every action figure that toy stores across massachusetts and new hampshire put on their shelves. sometimes he'd buy two of the same toy. i'd say "but they are the SAME!" and he'd say "no they're NOT! this one has some blue paint where the white should be! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!?"
  • he forced me to watch the original three movies. when i say "forced" i'm serious. if i fell asleep, he would rewind the tape and make me watch it from the begining!. sure, many of you are saying "how could he FORCE you?" the joke at the time would be me saying "he used the FORCE" (har har har!) but seriously, this man had a horrible temper and would lash out a lot. so it was easier for me to sit there than to endure his screaming like a child.
  • he would fly into a rage if i decided to talk through a commercial that featured anything star wars. you know that 7-11 commercial that's on right now? the one with the kid sucking a slurpee through a darth vader cup? if i so much as BREATHED through that commercial, he'd have a fucking FREAK OUT! no matter how many times he's seen it, if i said a word, he'd lose his shit.
  • he would spend the $8.50 to buy a ticket to a god-awful movie just to watch the star wars trailer. once the trailer ended, he would leave. he did that a handful of times. sorry, but that's ridiculous.
  • he bought every cereal in the grocery store that had a SW toy inside. as you know, the majority of cereals that features a KIDS toy are sugar coated. imagine a 30 year old man, scarfing down boxes and boxes of sugar coated cereal JUST TO GET THE TOY INSIDE. and you know what he'd do afterward? he blamed ME because he gained 30 pounds. seriously. this is no lie.
  • he would play with his action figures. i don't need to elaborate. just picture a 30 year old man playing with plastic toys. on a daily basis.
  • our house was a shrine to george lucas and everything SW. many of my friends said "do you live here at all?" because there was no evidence of anything that I liked. i've got the photos to prove it.
  • he would recite lines from the movie all the time, and usually in the most awkward situations. he thought it was hysterical! it wasn't. it was embarassing, especially when no one had a fucking clue what he was talking about. i always rolled my eyes and cringed because it was so embarassing.
  • when we first met, and i think it was literally on our first date, he told me that when episode 2 comes out, i would not see him. i dismissed it as a joke. but lo and behold, when episode 2 was released in theaters, i did not see him for a week. this isn't a joke. he took at least 4 days off of work to see this movie over and over and over again. he saw it in boston. he saw it in providence. he saw it in nashua. and i didn't hear from him in a week. and then after that, he'd still see it at least once a week, sometimes twice. yeah. i'm dead serious. we never seemed to have enough money for groceries (he only "allowed" me to spend $40 a MONTH on groceries), yet money was no object when it came to his addiction.
  • and the worst of the worst, he wanted to have a star wars wedding, complete with people in full costume and that god awful music playing as we "walked down the aisle".

yes, you heard me right. a star wars wedding.

i was so fiercly against it and he was such an egomaniac that he (for the 1+ years we were engaged) kept saying "you'll LOVE it!" and would actually brainstorm ideas with his mom (oh, don't get me started on his relationship with his mom, either) whenever we went to visit her. i would look right at both of them and declare my hatred for SW, but they would just laugh and laugh and dismiss me. they said "oh, but it would be so AWESOME!" and i'd say "AWESOME for WHO? HELLO! I'M PART OF THIS EQUATION YOU KNOW!?!"

do you know how much anger and resentment built up inside me? more than words can quantify.

i've always hated star wars. i was really, really happy to have made it through 26 years without seeing one. i was hoping to go another 26 years, but i was forced to sit through FIVE of them. i want those hours back.

i'm so grateful that i'm now engaged to a man who knows good film. in the three years i was with my ex, we saw ONE film that i wanted to see (the royal tenenbaums at the $2 theater is salem) and he sighed and fidgeted through the entire thing. can you believe that? in three years, i only saw one film that is worth mentioning. all the rest were CRAP (like lord of the rings - barf) and just brain mushing.

man, i feel bad for whatever woman he's with now. unless, of course, she's just as insane as he is. although i can't imagine anyone being more obsessed than he is.

that's why i'm so grateful to have phillip. he KNOWS what good film is. he actually can have a discussion with me after the movie is over. and by "discussion" i don't mean "that was good/bad" and that's it. we're really able to talk about it. and that's something that's really valuble to me.

and the best part thing in my life right now? we will not be seeing star wars. there's nothing sweeter than hearing the man you love say "no way. we're not going to see that crap."



fluffy said...

ya know, id laugh at your ex, but its just sad more than anything else. i watch a movie like Starwoids or Trekkies and it still amazes me that people like that exist out in the world.

See what you should do, is when the newest Star Wars premiers tonight(or tomorrow, whenever it is), you should go down to the Loews on the Common and just point and laugh, just make fun of all the freaks who showed up in costume. you might even see your ex, at which point you should show him P and say, "hey, this is a REAL man!!".

"our house was a shrine to george lucas and everything SW. many of my friends said "do you live here at all?" because there was no evidence of anything that I liked. i've got the photos to prove it."

-as painful as it might sound, please, please, please post these pics. i gotta see this.

Honey Bunny said...

hahah! i SHOULD do that! it would be SO much fun!

and yes, p IS a real man, and i'm sure that my ex knows it, too. but in all honesty, seeing him again would make me vomit. and i hate vomiting.

i'll have to dig up the pictures. i chucked a lot of them because i didn't want any part of star wars around anymore. but i think i still have one of our christmas tree that had ONE ornament of mine on it and the rest were Star Wars.

halloweenlover said...

Phew, he sounds like a real crazy crazy. I also had a psycho ex boyfriend for 3 and a half years before I met the hubs. I look back now and wonder what the hell was I thinking? He was nutso and mean.

Honey Bunny said...

Phew, he sounds like a real crazy crazy.

you got THAT right. i also look back and think "what drug did i take to think this guy was any good?"

i'm just lucky that i met phillip. it was perfect timing and i couldn't be happier.

my ex was also nutso and REALLY mean. oh, and he dramatized everything. if he lost a button on his shirt IT WAS THE END OF HUMANITY AS WE KNOW IT!

yeah, that bad...

fluffy said...

i have a theory that everyone has to date at least one psycho to make them come to their senses about what they DONT want in life. i mean lookit-you, Halloweenlover, me...weve all dated psychos, and we are all better off with the people we have now. psycho relationships i think are needed to make us re-evaluate our lives. goes back to the old saying that sometimes you learn more from your mistakes than from your accomplishments.

Honey Bunny said...

that's wise, mr. fluffy :) and i totally agree with you. i mean, my meeting phillip couldn't have been timed better. we were both at the right place at the right time and we found each other. if i hadn't gone through those (almost) three years with the nutcase, i couldn't have made my way through all the people to find phillip. it was the best timing ever.

dats da troof!

Chris said...

yes I'd love to see photos too! LOL

We had a Yoda lego head on our fireplace mantel for awhile during the holidays. It drove me crazy, and it was only one Star Wars thing. And it was made by my 10 year old!

I laughed at the "what drug did I take..." line, because I have one of those in my past also. Wasted 4 years living with and engaged to him. I shudder now.

Honey Bunny said...

heh. i'll have to dig them up. i couldn't even think where they might be. but if i find them, i'll post them.

like fluffy said...we have to date the psychos in order to find the good guys. :)

fluffy said...

like fluffy said...we have to date the psychos in order to find the good guys.

uhm...well, i dont think i said "guys" specifically. as far as i know ive never dated a guy before..of course my memory isnt what it used to be but im pretty sure about that.

just like there are psycho guys, ive dated a few psycho girls too. a couple of them still makes me shudder to this day.

fluffy said...

and speaking of star wars nerds;

k-doh said...

Your Ex sounds like our friend Luke. He and his wife just split up because he just couldn't get his fan boy mess together. He was all awe inspired when we bought a house and said he can never afford one and my husband said to him "Dude we don't spend a weeks salary on Simpsons Muppets and Star Wars toys...we'd rather have a nice couch than rap we are never gonna take out of the box."

If I had read this last week I could have told you all about the movie (I saw it a week earlier at a special premiere for work)and you could have ruined it for the people in line.

Vader kills his only love Padme. Mace Windu gets killed by the Emporer, the clones fight for the Sith because they have a program code and turn on the Jedi.....Anakin is the one who kills ALL the Jedi even the "Younglings"

I am a fan but not Fanatical. I am a LOTR geek but one again if I would have never considered wearing Arwen's dress for my wedding. If I had I hope someone I know would have beaten some sense into me.....

One day I am going to write the guidebook to geek/fanboy dating
rules like Working at toys R Us for the keen discount and pre selecting Star Wars toys is not cool, and after the age of 21 it's kind of creepy.

Honey Bunny said...

k-doh, i LOVE the fact that you just listed spoilers! YOU ROCK!

and's very creepy to be obsessed once you've gotten past 21. i love my muppets toys, but i only have three. i'd like more, but i know it's not only not practical, but kind of silly.