Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Shaq's Big Fat Challenge...or How to Make Fat Kids Feel Worse

I was waiting all week to see the premier of this stupid show on ABC. There's nothing I hate more than fat-busting reality shows. And I knew I'd hate this one the most because it involves kids. Boys and girls who are on death's door because they have bellies and junk in the trunk. So Shaq is here to rescue them from an early death (presumably before they hit 18 years old) and get them to put down the burger and pick up a whole lot of stress and baggage that they will carry for the rest of their lives.

I admit, I missed the first 10 min. But I'll start here:

8:13- Walter explains what a pizza burrito is to Shaq. he then tells Shaq that kids call him a fat freak and "pizza face". but the pizza face comment is ok because he says "look, it's true". gah. that's sad.
8:19- the kids are forced to do the President's Fitness Challenge. how many of you had to do that as a kid? and how many of you thought it was a waste of time? because it IS! how many of you brag about how many sit ups you can do in a minute? yeah, I didn't think so.
8:20- the "doc" (AKA, Shaq's trainer) says these kids have to do 15-40 pushups. um, if you've never done one before, how can you do FIFTEEN? the girls are even made to feel like losers because they can't do a push-up. how many adult women do pushups on a daily basis.
8:21- Walter farts on Shaq. best moment of the show so far.
8:22- Shaq tells them not to have sad faces because it's FUN! To run a mile! In the heat! Smile and do it, fatties!
8:23- These kids are going to DIE because they are fat. That's what "the doc" says, anyway.
8:24- Walter is walking around the track. Shaq rallies the other kids to run with him around the track. Yeah, like that would ever happen in real life with kids aged 11-15.
8:25- Walter admits that this is the first time that people have cared about him. That's sad. Where are his parents? Do his parents not care about him?
8:26- What do you know. a Subway commercial.

Commercial. I'm going to eat some bacon wrapped donuts.

8:29- Shaq calls area hospitals to find child obesity specialists and, not surprisingly, no one can understand his mumbling request. He finally gets through to someone, saying "I'm not expert, so I need your help"
8:30- the doctor actually says that having Shaq as the anti-fat ambassador is the best thing to happen to the childhood obesity epidemic in America. Gag.
8:31- the doctor points out Walter's infantile behavior. Why did it take 31 minutes for someone to mention this?
8:32- These kids are made to have an MRI, a stress test, and have their BMI tested. fuckers.
8:33- 14 year old Ariel "failed" her stress test. OMG! she's gonna die!

Commercial. Gotta drink some Mountain Dew.

Clicked on the website and heard the voice over say that childhood obesity epidemic is one of the biggest problems out kids face today. Is it really? Is it more of a problem than inadequate healthcare? Mediocre education from the public school systems? The fact that families can't spend any time together because each parent has to have a full time job just to survive?

8:38- the doctor now makes the kids feel like shit by telling them that they WILL DIE if they don't lose the weight. Really, Doc? These kids WILL DIE? Nothing like making them feel like shit.
8:39- Poor Walter. The doc says that the MRI machine couldn't even measure his fat because HE'S TOO FAT! OMG WALTER! You're totally going to die tonight.
8:40- Kit's mom gives her the look that my mom gave me every day of my life. the doc even said "there's another person under there waiting to get out!" Fuck you! No 14 year old girl needs to hear that shit. Why? Because she's going to be hearing that in some form or another for the rest of her life. I hate you.
8:41- Shaq says "it's not about losing weight. I just want to get these kids healthy." Sure you do, Shaq. And you just want your paycheck now that you're not playing basketball.

Commercial. Stop! Ice cream time.

8:45- LA Weightloss* commercial. *Weight loss not typical.
8:46- a nutritionist is brought in to talk to the kids. Shaq says he wants to be on the same plan. OK, so a grown man eating the same amount a growing kid eats? SMAAAHT!
8:47- James (who is my favorite) has a mom who is obviously a bitch. I hate her. It was funny when he commented that throwing all the fast food away was a bummer.
8:48- the kids have to exercises that Shaq drew up, but he's no where to be found. Lovely
8:49- Oh no! some of the kids didn't show up for the exercise program. How surprising!
8:49- Shaq tells the media about his awesome new program to help the fattie fat kids. They love it, of course.
8:50- We see the kids tell Shaq that they are doing their exercises when they are actually just playing. I love it! They are big fat liars. Awesome.
8:51- Shaq says that he "knows" that the kids are telling the truth about their exercising because he's "a superstar". I didn't know that being paid millions to toss a ball into a hoop makes him 1) a superstar and 2)impervious to the lies that kids tell everyday.

Commercial for a steriod infused sports drink called Accelerate. It'll make you run faster, swim longer, and have and erection lasting more than 4 hours.

8:55- Speaking of steriods, Shaq's trainer spies on the kids and says he's "super fired up" (that means pissed off) that the kids aren't working out hard. Hey, Shaq! Maybe if you acctually paid attention to them and stayed with them they would work out more. You say you care? That's a laugh.
8:56- They call James pathetic. But I love James! I'm tired of the bastards calling the kids names. They called Walter a "woolly mammoth". OK, so that helps, HOW?
8:58- now Shaq is realizing that he should pay more attention to the fatties. To prove he's pissed he throws a glass near his pool. Yeah, violence is the answer.
8:59- scenes from the upcoming season. Looks like there's more talk about how all these kids are going to die before they are 18 and we see Kit being hauled away in an ambulance, and Walter getting all excited because he can see his toes.

End of show.

I know I'll watch this again next Tuesday because it pisses me off so bad. Not to mention that Tyler Florence is on the show and I hate him and his stupid Applebees endorsements. Did anyone else watch it? What did you think? I hate Shaq and ABC. I'll blog about it next week, too. I'm so mad I don't know what to do.

I guess I'll just sit here and watch Family Secrets.

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