Shaq's Big Fat Challenge...or What Sucked Me Back In

Ok, so I know I said I wasn't going to watch Shaq's Big Challenge anymore, but damn, the power is overwhelming.

The reason I love this show is due to one kid. James. He's my absolute favorite. He's a smartass and I love smartasses.

I'm trying to ignore all the adults in the show and concentrating on the kids. They are the best. And James is right: yelling about how fat he is isn't going to 1) make him feel any better and 2) work harder.

My favorite part of the show so far was when James was supposed to sprint around some cones, but he took his sweet ass time walking. I mean he was walking S-L-O-W. It cracked me up.

I was also pretty pissed when Shaq and his asshole trainer dude laughed at the fact that it took the kids 4 months to drop 20 pounds. See? Shaq doesn't really give a shit about the kids. It's all about him. And he's full of shit when he says he cares about motivating the kids.

Oh, one El Oh El part came when the lunch lady didn't want to work with Tyler Florence. That was awesome. Because he, like Shaq, has an enormous ego. I can't stand Tyler Florence. I wonder if he's proud to endorse his meals at Applebees, which is a step above, oh, Red Lobster (if that's possible)?

I hope I'm not sucked into this stupid show again next week (and it's a good thing I can work on projects while 'watching'). But I love James. I love that he's a bastard, but he's also one of the smartest kids in his accelerated classes. But we've learned over the years that it's not cool to be the smartest kid in school, and when you're fat, that's double trouble for sure.

Oh no. I just saw a commercial for a show called FAT MARCH! OMG. What the fuck is with all the fat shows on the ABC? Ridiculous.

Shaq's Big Fat Challenge...or Why I Won't Be Watching Anymore

I won't be wasting any more time with Shaq's Big Fat Challenge. Why? Because the show is obviously about Shaq and NOT the kids and NOT even the "obesity epidemic".

During the last hour we saw how Shaq hurt his knee and had to miss some basketball games. How Shaq was asked not to come back to the school. How Shaq was "from the streets" so he could talk to Kit's dad on the same level. How Shaq had to go to Walter Reed Hospital and the White House. Shaq's fancy car. Shaq's anger problem. And finally Shaq's promising the kids that if they lose 20 pounds they'll be able to see him play basketball and meet all the players on his team.

IT'S ALL ABOUT SHAQ! They spent 10 minutes on the kids, and the rest of the show on Shaq and the other two assholes who follow him around.

So I'm done. I don't feel like giving any more TV time to Shaq. His ego is big enough.

Shaq's Big Fat Challenge...or How to Annoy The Shit Out Of Me Episode 2

I'm not going minute by minute but here are some points that have irritated the shit out of me:

The new trainer guy is a DICK. he's so mean to the kids and push them way too hard.

Kit's mom is a bitch and all she sees is failure. It's no wonder Kit has panic and anxiety attacks! I had to deal with a family that kept telling me I was never good enough for anything and I totally developed anxiety and depression. So I don't blame Kit at all

Shaq doesn't really care about the kids. It's all for ratings.

The new trainer guy is a DOUCHE! How can the kids possibly feel good about themselves when he says shit like "Mmmmm...I smell that fat 'a burnin'!

Kit was obviously told she couldn't return to the program because she has shit for parents. It's nice to see that the kids are sad to see her go, though.

So James was allowed to have one pizza night a week. It just happens that he chooses the day that the nutritionist was at his house. So? If she didn't like that, she shouldn't have given him the opportunity. Bitch.

Shaq tries to get mandatory PE classes for everyone at some shcool he chooses. The principal shoots him down. She's got some relevant points, but the sad thing is that I'm sure she'd be 100% willing to have all the kids take gym if the US Government would allot more money to education in this country.

Kit might be rejoining the group! I told you it was her shitty parents who told her she couldn't go back. Assholes.

Kevin lies about his weight gain because he's embarrassed. Seems normal to me.

For next time: Shaq gets pissed and destroys a stereo. Great example you're setting, Shaq! You suck.

Ok, I still hate Shaq and his crusade to get rid of all the fat kids in the USA, but I can't stop watching the show. Mostly because I love how smart-ass the kids are. They are already the winners of the show since they make the adults look like morons most of the time.

Holy shit I have to watch Family Secrets. It looks creepy!

Shaq's Big Fat Challenge...or How to Make Fat Kids Feel Worse

I was waiting all week to see the premier of this stupid show on ABC. There's nothing I hate more than fat-busting reality shows. And I knew I'd hate this one the most because it involves kids. Boys and girls who are on death's door because they have bellies and junk in the trunk. So Shaq is here to rescue them from an early death (presumably before they hit 18 years old) and get them to put down the burger and pick up a whole lot of stress and baggage that they will carry for the rest of their lives.

I admit, I missed the first 10 min. But I'll start here:

8:13- Walter explains what a pizza burrito is to Shaq. he then tells Shaq that kids call him a fat freak and "pizza face". but the pizza face comment is ok because he says "look, it's true". gah. that's sad.
8:19- the kids are forced to do the President's Fitness Challenge. how many of you had to do that as a kid? and how many of you thought it was a waste of time? because it IS! how many of you brag about how many sit ups you can do in a minute? yeah, I didn't think so.
8:20- the "doc" (AKA, Shaq's trainer) says these kids have to do 15-40 pushups. um, if you've never done one before, how can you do FIFTEEN? the girls are even made to feel like losers because they can't do a push-up. how many adult women do pushups on a daily basis.
8:21- Walter farts on Shaq. best moment of the show so far.
8:22- Shaq tells them not to have sad faces because it's FUN! To run a mile! In the heat! Smile and do it, fatties!
8:23- These kids are going to DIE because they are fat. That's what "the doc" says, anyway.
8:24- Walter is walking around the track. Shaq rallies the other kids to run with him around the track. Yeah, like that would ever happen in real life with kids aged 11-15.
8:25- Walter admits that this is the first time that people have cared about him. That's sad. Where are his parents? Do his parents not care about him?
8:26- What do you know. a Subway commercial.

Commercial. I'm going to eat some bacon wrapped donuts.

8:29- Shaq calls area hospitals to find child obesity specialists and, not surprisingly, no one can understand his mumbling request. He finally gets through to someone, saying "I'm not expert, so I need your help"
8:30- the doctor actually says that having Shaq as the anti-fat ambassador is the best thing to happen to the childhood obesity epidemic in America. Gag.
8:31- the doctor points out Walter's infantile behavior. Why did it take 31 minutes for someone to mention this?
8:32- These kids are made to have an MRI, a stress test, and have their BMI tested. fuckers.
8:33- 14 year old Ariel "failed" her stress test. OMG! she's gonna die!

Commercial. Gotta drink some Mountain Dew.

Clicked on the website and heard the voice over say that childhood obesity epidemic is one of the biggest problems out kids face today. Is it really? Is it more of a problem than inadequate healthcare? Mediocre education from the public school systems? The fact that families can't spend any time together because each parent has to have a full time job just to survive?

8:38- the doctor now makes the kids feel like shit by telling them that they WILL DIE if they don't lose the weight. Really, Doc? These kids WILL DIE? Nothing like making them feel like shit.
8:39- Poor Walter. The doc says that the MRI machine couldn't even measure his fat because HE'S TOO FAT! OMG WALTER! You're totally going to die tonight.
8:40- Kit's mom gives her the look that my mom gave me every day of my life. the doc even said "there's another person under there waiting to get out!" Fuck you! No 14 year old girl needs to hear that shit. Why? Because she's going to be hearing that in some form or another for the rest of her life. I hate you.
8:41- Shaq says "it's not about losing weight. I just want to get these kids healthy." Sure you do, Shaq. And you just want your paycheck now that you're not playing basketball.

Commercial. Stop! Ice cream time.

8:45- LA Weightloss* commercial. *Weight loss not typical.
8:46- a nutritionist is brought in to talk to the kids. Shaq says he wants to be on the same plan. OK, so a grown man eating the same amount a growing kid eats? SMAAAHT!
8:47- James (who is my favorite) has a mom who is obviously a bitch. I hate her. It was funny when he commented that throwing all the fast food away was a bummer.
8:48- the kids have to exercises that Shaq drew up, but he's no where to be found. Lovely
8:49- Oh no! some of the kids didn't show up for the exercise program. How surprising!
8:49- Shaq tells the media about his awesome new program to help the fattie fat kids. They love it, of course.
8:50- We see the kids tell Shaq that they are doing their exercises when they are actually just playing. I love it! They are big fat liars. Awesome.
8:51- Shaq says that he "knows" that the kids are telling the truth about their exercising because he's "a superstar". I didn't know that being paid millions to toss a ball into a hoop makes him 1) a superstar and 2)impervious to the lies that kids tell everyday.

Commercial for a steriod infused sports drink called Accelerate. It'll make you run faster, swim longer, and have and erection lasting more than 4 hours.

8:55- Speaking of steriods, Shaq's trainer spies on the kids and says he's "super fired up" (that means pissed off) that the kids aren't working out hard. Hey, Shaq! Maybe if you acctually paid attention to them and stayed with them they would work out more. You say you care? That's a laugh.
8:56- They call James pathetic. But I love James! I'm tired of the bastards calling the kids names. They called Walter a "woolly mammoth". OK, so that helps, HOW?
8:58- now Shaq is realizing that he should pay more attention to the fatties. To prove he's pissed he throws a glass near his pool. Yeah, violence is the answer.
8:59- scenes from the upcoming season. Looks like there's more talk about how all these kids are going to die before they are 18 and we see Kit being hauled away in an ambulance, and Walter getting all excited because he can see his toes.

End of show.

I know I'll watch this again next Tuesday because it pisses me off so bad. Not to mention that Tyler Florence is on the show and I hate him and his stupid Applebees endorsements. Did anyone else watch it? What did you think? I hate Shaq and ABC. I'll blog about it next week, too. I'm so mad I don't know what to do.

I guess I'll just sit here and watch Family Secrets.